first date jitters.

so so so. hot summer relationships are right around the corner and unless you're some kind of wizard you will, at some point, find yourself staring across a bar/dinner table/alter at some hottie and your mind will go blank.

WELL WELL WELL, its time for aunt juicebox to dole out the old advice again. you will thank me when such a situation comes up because i'm about to arm you with a mess of first date conversation starters.


1. "....so i bet you're wondering what products i use in my hair"

2. "who is your favorite dictator?"

3.  "have you ever thought about being a serial killer? i have"

4. "....what? .... no?..... you didn't just ask me to have your babies? are you sure?"

5. "what meds are you on?"

6. "do you know what the difference is between tights and hose?"

7. "gays creep me out"

8. "do you want to talk about yogurt?"

9. "what is your take on the whole Galliano drama?"

10. "i fucked bob dylans uncle once"

11. "which animal are you most sexually attracted to?"

12. "my dad and i have bunk beds"

13. "remember 9/11?"

14. "sorry i just have this ITCH!"

15. "tell me about your relationship with Jesus Christ"



go forth and LOVE ! xo

ultimate truth.

i'm old. everyone knows this. and as i age, i find that my preferences for certain things changes dramatically (anyone remember the time we all thought the dave matthews band was soooo deeeeep?)

there are, however, a few things i know i will always enjoy.

these are my 15 ultimate truths. 

1. i will never be over the concept that a sinkhole once ate a man in florida.

2. i will always prefer a black shiny manicure over a pink one.

3. spongebob squarepants will always be funny.

4. i will always scribble incoherent notes on post-its, put them in my purse, and be very confused upon their discovery at a later date.

5. i will always prefer boyfriend cut jeans over anything else (sorry yogies).

6. flowers bought by a boy will always make me blush.

7. i will always find the muppets both gorgeous and yet so sad. 

8. i will always own way too many shoes.

9. i will always cry at the end of the phantom of the opera, and les mis. 

10. i will never be able to pull off daytime eye shadow.

11. i will always be a Mets fan. 

12. i will always own a dog.

13. i will always think sports bars are more fun than anything that involves the word "club"

14. i will never understand why couples bathe together... (it is so creepy.)

15. i will never understand or enjoy electronic music... is this 1996? 

do you have any? xo. 

not for spring break idiots.

stop.

are you a freshman in college going on your first spring break? are you already drunk? then stop reading, as i have nothing to offer you, and you gross me out.

are you an adult? do you hold down a full time job? is getting drunk more work than its worth? then read on fellow mellow-



this blog is for those of you who are not the kind that think sand in your bikini bottom is a hazard of the 'experience'.



i'm making a list of the most mood boosting, spring break-y albums for grown ups. here goessssss.


1. hot hot heat- elevator (2005)
it's actually a really good album. i always sing along, and it runs the gamut of fun mildly different emotions.
song to start with-  'running out of time'


2. hanson- underneath (2004)
guys, hanson is really good now. like really, really, really insanely good. they make genius pop music that instantly puts anyone with ears in a fun, dance party mood.
song to start with - 'lost without each other'


3. talking heads - the best of talking heads (2004)
it is technically cheating to put a 'best of' album on here, but its just so flawless.
song to start with - 'girlfriend is better'


4. lauryn hill- the miseducation of lauryn hill (1998)
if you're a 90's child like me and you don't put this cd on every list you make you're bananas. i almost cannot function without it.
song to start with -' doo wop' DUH.


5. the format- dog problems (2006)
if you like FUN. but wish they were more ... fun.... look at the lead singers old band 'the format'. they have solid sound and witty lyrics.
song to start with- 'dog problems'


6. ben folds- rockin' the suburbs (2001)
this is so obvious its insane.
song to start with - 'zac and sara'


7. amy winehouse -back to black (2007)
swingy, sassy, salty. this album smells like old ciggys and stale booze. put on your ray bans and exude the attitude.
song to start with - 'me and mr jones'


8. amos lee- amos lee (2005)
at some point you'll be laying on a deck or poolside and you'll want something really chill and fun to put on.
song to start with - 'dreamin''


9. jason mraz- tonight not again (2005)
a great live cd, perfect jason mraz sampling from his early days when he was a talented individual. put on while you're driving to your destination and time will fly.
song to start with -'common pleasure'


10. poison- the best of poison (remastered 2006)
i know, another best of, but its POISON.
song to start with - ' talk dirty to me' obviously.



enjoy your break suckas!

summer shoes.

so, by now you've figured out that i am a style genius. BUT something you don't know is that i love to shop a budget! so, not only did i pick out summer shoes for each of your summer outings, but they are all under $70! yay for me, and also for you! 

as we all know, my favorite color is mint. luckily for me, mint is very in this season. also for summer please remember to explore the coral and blush color palates (super classic colors)

oh and also, don't expect to see a sneaker heel in here, as i am physically repulsed by them.

 these boots don't exactly scream "summer" but they do scream "erin". hidden spikes and mint color? i obviously must have these. 

for the rest, if you MUST own a summer boot (which i never understood, but i guess it's a thing) please keep it light and dainty. these mint boots have a lovely dip in the top which is flattering on the ankle.  that bow? so fabulous, its a little tease of whats going on in the back! 

please don't wear them during the day, for risk you will be mistaken for a classy street walker. also i would pair them with a structured black dress and low key baubles for a martini bar night with friends. 

 flats flats flats! these are kind of nautical, kind of beachy, very wearable. i like how they mimic an espadrille - easy and classic. 

i would wear these to brunch, or during any day adventure. pair with shorts, skirts, dresses... super versatile! (ps this pair is 12 bucks- kind of a score)

ohhh baby. nothing says fancy summer nights like a metallic accessory.  this tiny gold bow is super dainty without being cutesy or little girl-ish. 

this is a total first date with a new boy heel. wear them to dinner to show off your stems and pedicure. pair with a little dress and a smile. 

these are a personal favorite. a good nude shoe is so clutch, but a platform pump is not always appropriate for the swingy summer season. these are a good sandal structure but have a hidden bad girl element with the nude spikes. 

remember that boy you went on the first date with in the black heels above? well you have a second date? or a third? these are now showing your sexy, stylish side without being off putting or distracting. since these are nude they go with everything! please wear with short short short dresses as they will make your legs look a million miles long. 

coral baby coral. look at that color. what i love about coral is that it goes flawlessly with every single skin tone. are you a pale porcelain doll like me? fabulous. are you a mocha goddess? genius. everything in between? totes amaze. the delicate straps are almost a t- strap, and they are super delicate and pretty.

these are pretty versatile. summer job interview? yep. dinner with your girlfriends? obviously. making that bitch from college jealous? of course, and she got faaaat. these can go with a crop ankle pant, or a skirt, or a dress. obviously not a causal shoe, please dont pair with ..... gulp.... denim shorts. 

ah! so conservative. but in a fun flirty way. those zig zags are super fun and a nice texture detail. plus they are in black? nothing says easy like a black shoe.

hey how are things going with that new boyfriend? oh you have to meet his folks? ahhhh ! wait! grab these shoes. they are sweet and very fun without being slutty or threatening. lets get serious, you're not going to wear flats right? unless you're meeting them in a field or a backyard bbq (see above striped flats). these would be great for a casual meet and greet at a bar or restaurant. please pair them with a dress or trousers and a summery top. 

MINT and a wacky top? sign me up. these are so fun and super trendy (which i'm normally against) but they are just so damn fun.  mint is another color that really goes with every girls skin, and every girls wardrobe. you would be surprised how much matches with mint, other mint, blue, cream, black.... if you're unsure about a color- just try it! 

wear these to a fun summer wedding! 

girls night bitches! blush and a wedge. you knew it was coming. i love the detail in the front. its fun without being in your face. 

this is such an obvious shoe! wear these EVERYWHERE. bar with the girls while you're wearing shorts and a mens v neck t shirt,  brunch with said girls the next day (maybe still in the shorts and v neck), farmers market, poolside in a tiny bikini (a little 'real housewives' but whatev), taking your niece to the zoo,  library..... anywhere! they are so fun and pretty.

ok amigos, you have my list- go forth and be fabulous! 

the devil.

things that are the devil.

1. people with pet birds.

2. what kim jong un has done to his fathers fashion legacy

3. half eaten fruit.

4. wet anything.

5. socks

6. refined sugar

7. sweet tea

8. paula deen

9. mtv

10. republicans

11. creepy tattoos

12. knockoffs

13. soccer

14. comic books.

15. paper money.

16. dead dogs.

17. men in ill fitting suits

18. old chapstick.

19. pintrest.

20. old family guy episodes.

21. anne hathaway

22. anne hathaway

23. anne hathaway

SS2013. what I'm wearing, and therefore you should not wear.

hello all.

as you know (mainly because the 3 of you that read this are my girlfriends) my fashion choices are ubs personal and therefore I don't follow trends as much as most. (also, most trends are heinous. sheer with shorts? come on you look like a white trash wedding guest) 

I prefer to pick items that I deem "classic". to me, this means that they fall in line with the style I've had since I was 18.  (before that was a nightmare). for EXAMPLE- men's sweats? classic. beat up old ratty t shirts? classic. capes? claaaaaassic.

if you were to take a photo of me and my girlfriends on any given friday or saturday social gathering you would see what i mean. they all look super polished and fabulous (i love to style them) and i am dressed in dirty denim and a calvin cape. you can circle me in any photograph like a highlights magazine. 

for ss13 i've decided to map out the odd things i will be pulling from my collection to perfectly creep out any dude at the bar. 


1. skinny overalls. they are so weird that i must own them. i might pair them with a skull themed blouse (i own like 200) or a mens white v neck t shirt. low key baubles. for gods sake, roll the legs up a little. 

2. like i said before, skulls. i love them, they go on my fashion 'do' list every season, every year. 

3. frilly/puffy... ok puffy shorts. i think they are so interesting. puffy fucking shorts. if they are jazzy enough to wear with heels, i think they would go well with a ratty old concert t shirt and necklaces. really confuse people.

4. neon accessories. this is pretty basic. like a billion people are doing neon right now. but a well placed pile of neon necklaces (either in the same shape and different colors, or different shapes and the same color)  will make a whole outfit pop... pair it with.....

5. WHITE! all white. top to tails. so weird. i will be wearing this.

6.  drapey-capey- anything. but do it in light layers and in expensive fabric.

7. if it looked like a body was dismembered on it, i'm in.


thats all, folks! please leave your own suggestions on what you will be wearing! 

andre leon talley IS my spirit animal

 he understands the 'big bag'. when all else fails, don't bring a small bag to your adventures. you look like you're taking crazy pills.

animal skins are meant to be worn. peta be damned. 

 we make the same face in public situations. i'm judging your atrocious outfit at the bar, he is judging you at fashion week. 

i think i own this cape.

we're annoyed. especially during our vogue reading time. 

we are in the same political mind-scape.

we have cool friends. slash. we wear excellent accessories.

we steal the show. once again, i own that cape. 

roooooomance!

so it's that time again, valentine's day. fellers, to avoid the vomit-inducing drippy ways to tell some bird you dig her- please choose from one of the following statements (given to us by some musical visionaries) 



when you feel embarrassed, then i'll be your pride. when you need directions, then i'll be the guide.  (death cab for cutie)



yours is the first face that i saw, think i was blind before i met you. (bright eyes)



you were made of every love and each regret up until they day we met.  (elvis costello) 



you're part of my identity (lauryn hill)



there are angels in your angles, theres a low moon caught in your tangles. (the decemberists) 



but darling when i see you, i see me. (magic numbers)



i can feel your hand in mine, though we're living separate lives in separate places. (ray lamontagne)



i got a story it's almost finished. now all i need is someone to tell it to, maybe thats you. (jimmy eat world)



told me you'd love me, that i'd never die alone. hand over your heart lets go home. (kings of leon)



next door, theres an old man who lived to his 90's and one day passed away in his sleep. and his wife she stayed for a couple of days and passed away. i'm sorry i know thats a strange way to tell you that i know we belong. that i know that i am the luckiest. (ben folds)

-------------------
i'm a theatre geek, so i'll be including some truly delicious theatre quotes in here too.



when will the blood begin to race? the sleeping bud burst into bloom? when will the flames at last, consume us?  (phantom of the opera)



one day more. another day, another destiny. (les miserables)



without love life is rock and roll without the drummer. (hairspray)



take heart, fair days will shine. take any heart, take mine.  (pirates of penzance)



things are looking up since love looked up at me. (crazy for you)



you were the song all along (rent)



we can do it together, you and me.. but mostly me. (book of mormon)

hey fatty!

so, you just CAN'T get your ass on the treadmill eh? this bikini-clad hot piece did the work! get up fatty. 

well, lucky for you I've created a mediocre music line-up that just may help you boogie the winter layer off.



1. Doo Wop- Lauryn Hill 
2. Summerboy - Lady Gaga
3. Wake up Call- Maroon 5
4. Yeah!- Usher
5. We Trying To Stay Alive- Wyclef Jean
6. Single Ladies- Beyonce


ok it's 6 songs, it's meant just for your cardio time. and no,not exactly musically life changing. HOWEVER, I bet you put on any of these 6 and your fat ass just cant help but get up and dance. 


work it bitches. 

bikini season bitches.

nothing i can say will get you off your ass and get you moving. but maybe these will help:

food tips:

 

and if you are still lazy, go to fitspo and look at the transformations! talk about working it.

ps im going to do this: how clever right?

ok remember how beautiful you are!

superbowl style.

well, well, well. eli you are one saucy minx. the trench! i die.


welcome to superbowl sunday. a big day for advertisers, puppies and drunk guys. 

so what to wear? what to eat? what to do? you, my friend, have come to the right place for these answers.


erin's 10 superbowl rules.

1. don't wear something weird please. you're watching football, not mountain climbing/going ballroom dancing/being a freshman in college. jeans and a cute blouse will do ladies. but nothing fancy, nothing overwhelming. i will be in boyfriend cut jeans, rolled at the hem (7 for all mankind) and a oxford (ralph lauren) with driving moccs (calvin). my jewelry will be minimum, although i might try my really cute betsy johnson football helmet earrings. theme!

2. don't regret what you eat. simple rule. its a big day for fried, dipped, and battered. be smart. eat a veggie somewhere in there.

3. don't be the drunk girl. this is not just a superbowl rule, its an always rule. being the drunk girl is not only gross but its just so sad. 

4. if you don't know the sport, don't talk. please. please. please.

5. don't insist on watching the 'puppy bowl' unless you're with the girls. 

6. don't talk during commercials. simple.

7. don't sing along with beyonce. she's the 'professional', you are the person on the couch. on the same note, don't criticize beyonce until later in the night. you'll look like a jealous, green monster idiot.

8. this should be obvious but, no heels girls. i know that you should have gotten that in rule one, but sometimes... ya know.. 

9. remember to smile and have fun. you should have fun. its a fun day. 

10. be beautiful no matter what happens. that's always my last rule, you're beautiful inside and out. enjoy it!

ta dah

hello.

welcome to the juicebox. i'm erin, your personal juicer. 

i'm here for fun. you're here because you are my personal friend and you feel like you probably should be reading this in case i quiz you on it later. (i will). this blog will act as a soapbox where i, essentially, tell you what is awesome (cats in hats), what is not awesome (i'm looking at you donuts), and what is funny (skinned knees on grown-ups). 

i will also be your guiding light for how to remain chic in a not- so- chic world. this will include telling you how i will dress/eat/think/accessorize/date/vote, and assuming you will most likely follow suit. 

feel free to gasp, cover your mouth, and enjoy the show. 




i want to start with this:

has a superbowl commercial. as a die hard new york giants fan i'm not really invested in the actual game this year - ALSO let me say THIS- the quarter-man of the 'edgar allen poe's' made a remark recently using a work i do NOT use. and i use every dirty word a sailor could use, except the one he used (its a slang term, i'm not even going to elude to it- google QB remark on holding bowl games in the snowy cold north and you'll see) AND THEN an idiot from the 'westward expansions' made a truly disgusting comment about sexuality. so now i'm just watching the game for the CALVIN KLEIN COMMERCIAL. i will then flip to the puppy-bowl.

CALVIN KLEIN has a commercial in the superbowl. for those of you who either frequent my closet or know me, know that 90% of my world is wrapped tightly in a calvin klein coating. i am draped in gorgeous capes and tight black trousers virtually every single day. i cannot remember the last time i was wearing a complete outfit without a calvin piece. we are on a first name basis. the friends of my girlfriend inner circle know that when i refer to 'calvin' its an item of fabulous-ness and not a human.

in the superbowl. in the superbowl. in the superbowl. the first time they have had one. it's the biggest news story since news was invented. stay tuned.